Abstinence wasn’t repression—it was real love.
🎮 Her in the game, a strange flutter
I was looking at a character in the game,
and somehow it felt like she was my girlfriend.
With every expression and every gesture, my heart trembled,
and my emotions surged.
Even though it wasn’t real,
it felt like she was looking right at me.
But my brain was flooded with dopamine,
and I could clearly feel it.
That I was being attacked by dopamine.
But as I looked at the screenshots,
it felt like taking photos with a friend while traveling,
and I could even feel a sense of connection between us.
💤 And then, for over two hours… a very deep dream
Before I started the game,
I took a nap once,
and I had a very long, deep dream that lasted over two hours.
Even in the dream, I was still “abstaining”.
There was physical closeness with my female selves, and warm feelings,
but at the crucial moment, I stopped.
And when there was sexual stimulation, I thought this:
“Is this really okay…?”
Even in the dream, I felt the same emotions as in real life,
so I stopped and stayed face-down.
Whenever I was about to fail at abstinence in the dream,
my will—or some other higher being—
would wake me up and make me open my eyes.
Only today did I realize it.
The female self that always appears in my dreams
was my lower self,
And the higher being who woke me up—
a self-proclaimed Yeomra Realm girlfriend soul
in charge of romance in the Yeomra Realm—
was actually an even higher, higher self.
I finally understand that now.
* It’s definitely a higher being, but I’m still not sure if it’s right to call it a “self.”
Is what matters more than appearance the resonant energy it carries…?
I’ve felt the deep resonance of my Yeomra Realm girlfriend before.
It was something I could never experience in real life.
🧠 The message the dream delivered
After the game ended, I asked myself.
“Was this a failure again…?”
But,
I never let it lead to sexual behavior.
I just wanted to see feminine beauty,
and I only wanted to connect with my loneliness.
I did connect with the character, but
because of the unavoidable dopamine stimulation,
my head hurt.
Still, if it were the old me, it would’ve been different for sure.
I felt proud of myself.
Now, even my unconscious mind—
I can feel it changing.
Because I was sure that my brain circuits, my direction,
were completely shifting.
😌 I just wanted to hold her
Abstinence
isn’t about enduring it,
it’s a process of building the strength
to tell apart the feelings you truly want.
What I truly wanted
wasn’t some dramatic scene with her,
but simply to look at her as a presence, to hold her,
and to share warm feelings—
I’m realizing that more clearly now.
If this feeling isn’t real love,
then in all these countless stimulations that aren’t even real,
what on earth is love?
🔽 I included the principles and effects of “no erotic content” 🙂
🐢 Right now, I’m growing
Now that I’m back in reality,
a bit of boredom came back again.
But strangely…
that boredom
felt like it was bringing me back to “the real me”.
Right—growth always needs this moment.
But today is different.
Because what was left after the stimulation passed
was a deep sense of calm, and a quiet pride too.
💗 Abstinence wasn’t repression—it was love
Now I can be sure.
Abstinence isn’t repression—
it’s a process of learning real love.
A heart that can choose not to react automatically
even after seeing someone naked.
Feelings that can simply hug, meet eyes,
smile, and say “I like you”.
This wasn’t restraint—
it was respect, and affection.
This is my record of growth.
It’s embarrassing if someone sees it,
but someday it’ll become a memory of mine…
Still, I’m leaving it here because who I am right now is so precious.
🐢✨
