Understanding Avoidant Attachment Through the ‘Self’ in a Dream

Hello. This is Shinbi Days.

I mentioned avoidant tendencies before, remember?

Today, I found myself thinking again about people with avoidant attachment,
and I have some insights to share.

What is Avoidant Attachment?

Avoidant attachment is when someone
tries to get closer when distance grows in a relationship,
but pushes away when things get too close—
a confusing and difficult type to deal with.

People with this tendency
expressed emotions to their parents as children,
but those emotions were ignored or even forced upon them,
which is why they show these behavioral patterns.

In severe cases,
they blame everything on the other person
and engage in gaslighting.
They do this to gain control of the relationship and manipulate the other person.

I used to view people with avoidant attachment negatively
because of these traits.
After all, their seemingly aggressive behavior is real.

A Hidden Truth Revealed Through a Dream

But last night, I had a strange dream.
For some reason,
I felt like a certain woman was an ex-girlfriend.

She was crying in front of a gym.
That crying was a signal calling out to me, asking to be understood.

But I felt
tired of the way she expressed herself—
not directly,
but in roundabout ways even when she knew,
so I ignored her for a moment.

I thought the crying was intentionally done.
Being in a dream, I was less conscious and accepted it unconsciously.

Still, my heart ached,
so I stood in front of the crouching girl.
Then she said:

“You knew all along, and you’re only coming now?”

So I responded defiantly:

“That means you knew too, doesn’t it?”

Being a dream, I didn’t say anything precisely,
but I could understand it intuitively.
She was trying to manipulate me,
and I was trying to maintain my own behavior.

The crying felt like ‘blame and insult,’
and knowing
was a metaphorical expression of intentionality.

But as I walked for a while in the dream,
I kept hearing that girl’s voice from before.
At some point, emotions welled up so much
that I burst out with anger, rage, and sadness all at once,
screaming with all my might.

Then her voice
grew louder with expressions that seemed
truly sorrowful, frightened, and anxious.

That’s when I realized.

She’s not doing this maliciously.
She’s truly sad, scared, afraid, and anxious,
which is why she expresses herself differently to others.
I felt that sadness and fear.

Upon realizing this, I understood that her voice
wasn’t that of an ex-girlfriend,
but the voice of my self.

And fortunately,
my self was acting
to teach me some lesson.

I was so relieved that no one was hurt.

Avoidant Attachment Feels Anxiety.

Avoidant types
sometimes manipulate others,
criticize them,
and diminish their worth.

Let’s take a step back and see:

‘They carry deep fear and anxiety.’
‘They’re attacking, but it’s to defend themselves.’
‘They want to get close to others, but it’s just difficult for them.’

‘And do their words really affect us?’

We just need to think:
Their words have thorns,
but we have the capacity not to be pricked.

If criticism hurts,
we’ve lost love for a moment.
But avoidant types
feel that pain all the time.

If we can take the prick of the thorn in their place,
if it makes them even a little more comfortable,
that’s enough.

What’s truly important at the core
is letting go of the thorny tree from our hands.
However, trying to forcibly take it away only causes more wounds.

So they can feel it’s okay on their own,
we share love.
Little by little, slowly seeping in.

This was Shinbi Days. Thank you 🙂

▼ An emotional essay on avoidant attachment