Burnout: It Was a Pause for Myself
Believe it or not, I wanted to leave my heart in writing.
This is my record.
Something that will one day become a memory…
– For those of you who need a quiet rest
Energy remained. But my mind was so tired.
A daily routine that repeats every day.
I was working out, writing, and growing.
I was definitely… moving forward.
Yet it was strange.
If something started to go wrong, the whole day felt ruined.
Irritation built up over small mistakes,
and it felt like the whole world was creaking.
Motivation gradually decreased,
while criticism and dissatisfaction piled up.
“I really want to leave Korea at this rate.”
There was a day I suddenly thought that.
The meaning of burnout—it wasn’t just simple fatigue.
People easily dismiss burnout as “being tired.”
But real burnout is
‘the desire to stop even while you keep moving.’
A state where the mind is exhausted,
emotions collapse,
and you feel like “even doing nothing is hard.”
I wanted to stop.
But even resting felt uncomfortable,
so my brain stayed awake while my heart quietly screamed.
Travel came to mind not as an escape, but for recovery.
Mountains.
Bamboo forests.
Quiet places with no people.
I just wanted to walk.
Maybe it’s more accurate to say I didn’t want to think.
I’m not trying to run away.
I always worked, exercised, expanded my brain, and wrote.
I am still growing exponentially.
And yet…
something was missing inside.
The emptiness grew,
and the feeling that ‘maybe I should step away for once’ took root.
Within the culture of Korea, I felt a structure that didn’t suit me.
In Korea, most trips follow a similar structure.
Standardized places, standardized actions,
and within that, most people consume time centered around romance or family.
Both the media and daily life
constantly repeat the message that ‘you are incomplete if you aren’t in love.’
I used to believe that too.
But as time passed and I experienced relationships, I realized.
That wasn’t the kind of love I wanted.
Conditions. Pleasure. Status.
In the face of a reality where these things flow as if they are natural,
my heart broke too often.
What I wanted was the person themselves.
The term ‘unconditional love’
is considered too soft in this day and age.
But I was sincere.
Not just someone pretty or successful,
but the kind of love that likes that person’s way of speaking, their thoughts, and their very existence.
But most people were different.
So gradually, I developed a cynical view of the culture itself,
and now, I am truly preparing to leave Korea.
America, Europe…
Places where living alone is natural,
where dating isn’t forced.
Where self-growth is more important.
I think I can be healthier in a place like that.
Rest is sometimes about stepping out of the entire structure.
It wasn’t just simple relaxation.
What I needed was a ‘change of space’
and a ‘shift in perspective.’
When I went to an art museum in Jeju Island before,
watching a video work projected on the wall,
my worries completely vanished for that moment.
I liked that.
I hate having nothing,
but I liked a space where I could react to something.
In that moment, I felt a sense of being alive.
There is only one reason I’m writing this.
Because just for today, I want to live for myself.
Burnout has approached to the point where I can no longer deny it,
and I have gently accepted it.
I will leave alone.
To a quiet mountain path where there are no people.
I’m not just going to stop.
I’m going to find the sense of being alive again.
“Believe it or not, I wanted to leave my heart in writing.
This is my record.
Something that will one day become a memory…”
